You Married a Man, Not a Military Uniform

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My boyfriend and I met when I was a freshman in college. When we began dating, I didn't know he was in the military until he told me about him being a Marine but I didn't think too hard about it. We were young, I was still in school and our careers (at that point in time) were not a hot topic.

Time went on, I graduated, began going to college (again) and my boyfriend was still talking about the military and was on deployment. Last year, he was considering re-enlisting but he was more than just talking about it, he re-enlisted for another 8 years and about to be deployed again.

I remember the feeling in the very beginning of being so damn proud (I still am). I wanted to tell everyone the day he got the ability to be re-enlisted into the United States Marine Corps. Back then, I didn’t have large fears about his career choice. I worried and had, what I would call a “normal range” of fear but not fear on a larger scale like you see with today’s climate.

One aspect that reigns true though, even today, is that time and time again military men seem to be lumpecally he ead into these generic categories.

I remember telling an old college roommate that my boyfriend had a career in the military, specifically a Marine. Her response: “Wow. You can’t live off that salary and doesn't the military have reputations for being rule breakers?” It infuriated me. I still remember what store and aisle we were standing in. How could she actually say that to me? How could she actually believe those generalizations?

For some of us, it is easy to go down that road. The road of generalization. We tend to hear and have all these generalizations thrown at us, but I am going to tell you a little secret: don’t believe them. I could have believed my roommate or let it “sink in”. But I didn’t. It made me mad but I knew it was not true. (Well, except for we all know you won’t be rich working in the military, but you can live off of it).

Just because your spouse is in the military, does not, let me repeat, does not mean that they will be X and do Y.

Why? Because you married a man, not the man in uniform.

The Military does not define him. Yes, it has a HUGE impact on his (and your) life, but it is not everything. You can not let it be everything.

Never lose sight

Never lose sight of who you married. Again, you did not marry the uniform. Being an enlisted military member is a career choice. You married a man. A man that gives his all to that career choice, yes. But if you keep focus on your relationship and don’t let it all those negative characteristics that seem to be tied to the military then you will be WAY better off.

It is time to start proving these generalizations wrong. Stop believing them. Stop lumping ALL military member's into one big negative category. Stop repeating them. Stop thinking them.

Now, I am not knocking REAL statistics & studies that are out there. I actually love stats and majored in journalism for my undergraduate degree. But we need to make it clear that a lot of what we hear are not statistics at all- they are generalizations or myths. We must break those myths down.

Remember who you married

arThink of the man you married. Why did you fall in love? What do you love about your relationship? What characteristics make your spouse right for you?

I bet a lot of your answers have nothing to do with your husband being in the military. (Despite being a hard worker). So, if that is the case then don’t go down the tunnel of believing that your spouse acts a certain way because he is in the military.

Don’t get me wrong- I think the military force has a heavy impact on our officer’s personalities and yes, they bring it home, but it can’t be a crutch. It can’t be the excuse given every time your military man doesn’t want to talk about something or has no time in his schedule to be with you.

What I’m saying is: a job in the military is not the end all, be all. There is MORE to your husband (or wife) than this career. It may be hard to see once in a while, but if you slow down, take the time to find it, then you might just like what you see.

The Ghosts of my Boyfriends Past

Hi folks!

 I dated a lot, and I dated a lot of creeps so it made it that much easier to know I had landed something great when Calvin rolled around.  Today is our anniversary eve and so I thought before I got all warm and gooey and gushy on you tomorrow I would first share with you the path I had to go down before I got to the marriage part.  Twasnt easy folks!

(Also, I feel like I should add the disclaimer that I did date some good guys as well, they just weren't right for me or the timing wasn't right, or basically I just needed to wait for Calvin.)

(Also, I am slightly aware that some ex boyfriends of mine may read my blog as it is very public.  If you think you see yourself in this post and you weren't aware your dating mistakes from years ago were going to be made public... Well, I'm sorry.  At least I'm not using your name?)

So... without further ado...  Dating horror stories!

#1:  THE HIDDEN RELATIONSHIP

I fell head over heels for a guy that couldn't done anything without his father's permission.  (This coming from me who needs a ride because she can't drive!)  We dated several months before my mom made us break-up and then again when I got into college. Whenever I tried to get him to come over to my house (instead of meeting at the roller rink) he always would make excuses as to why he can't. I found out later his father was quite controlling. I distinctly remember a Saturday night where we had a date planned at eight. I waited and waited. (This was my boyfriend at the time, too, not just some random dude.) I called and called.  Nothing. At about 8:00 I realized I'd been stood up and I went to bed mad as hell. The next day I heard nothing from him. About 3:00 in the afternoon I started to get worried that something had happened to him since I hadn't heard from him in 24 hours.  I called and he didn't answer but he texted back- said he was too afraid to call me. (I was 18 at the time- a little over the games.) Apparently he had gone to his mom's for dinner (yes, his mom's!) and then fallen asleep at her house for the rest of the night. Don't worry calling when you wake up and apologizing, much better to just ignore your girlfriend!

#2:  THE LIAR.

One summer I dated a boy for a few months who lived about 45 minutes from me.  Because of the distance we only saw each other one or two times a week.  What he did the other nights, I didn't know.  One night I was texting him wanting to hang out and he made up a bunch of excuses about stuff he had to do, but it was all very vague.  So we started texting from my friend's phone, saying we had seen him at a church activity the day before and he was rs break-uoueally cute and "she" was super interested in him.  He totally took the bait and was flirting like mad with the fake woman.  We then asked if he had plans tonight and he said "Nope, absolutely nothing!  Let's hang out."  I then texted him from my phone and sent the text verbatim that he had just sent to the mystery girl.  He knew we were on to him, and he never texted back.  EVER

#3 MR. JOBLESS.

My freshman year of college a boy asked me out via facebook message who I just thought was cute. OH BOY! I had never once talked to him.  He was awkward and shy. After talking to him for awhile I found out he didn't have a job. When I tried to be helpful and suggest some, he thought I was saying he wasn't good enough for me... So I dropped it. A while later I got an internship and was making money, he got mad because I didn't text back within 3 seconds on receiving it. So then because of that he broke up with me saying money is all that matters to me.

#4: THE YOU'RE-TOO BUSY.

He was a firefighter, had 3 jobs and just wouldn't ever want to talk about anything more than getting married (which I wanted but) and getting me pregnant like right now. I mean I did want those things but talking about it every day just never excited me. I only saw him once and we never really broke up either.

#5: THE MILITARY MAN.

We met on a dating site. He was overseas at the time. We started talking and figured I'd up and run when he told me he had a son and was in the military. Honestly, they didn't bother me at all. He did eventually ask me out (which took FOREVER I thought). We broke up for a year because of his ex-wife. We got back together though and he is serious about marrying me and having a future together. He finally got to kiss me too and it was about the dang sweetest first kiss I've ever had.  I've been kissing him ever since...

Why Some Military Families Just Say No...

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To a military family, time is precious. I am sure time is important to non-military families too, no doubt. But in a military family, we treat time a little differently, you see. We protect and count every second. We count every second our spouse is out keeping the community safe. We count every second until our officer walks through the front door. We count every second we have with our officer until shift starts again. We count every second our officer is home with us safely. Every second counts.

As a military wife, we do a lot of things alone, a lot of the time. We do household chores, bedtime routines with kids, doctor appointments, holidays, family events, gatherings, and so much more. It is just our way of life and we learn to get used to it. But things are different when our officers are home; we cherish that time.

Protecting our Time

When our officer is home, we want to be selfish. We are allowed to be selfish. We want to protect our time with our officer as much as possible. We don’t want to spend the few hours we have running around and having time fly by. We want quality time together as a family. We want to soak in every minute and for time to stand still. Many people who are not military just don’t understand this- even family and friends.

Let me explain it this way:

As a military family, we look at our schedules each week and try to find little blocks of time where our officer is not working. “Little blocks of time” – not days, like most families. We may only get one hour per day. Some days, we may have the morning to spend with our officer before he leaves for work in the afternoon. An entire day off is few and far between, it seems.

A military officer’s days off are not protected. They are often filled with trainings, court, the range, getting called out for special assignments, and more. So the chances that an officer has a consistent schedule, with planned days off, is sometimes slim.

Learning to say “no”

Due to all the inconsistencies of our officer’s schedule, we sometimes have to say “no” when we are invited to events and social gatherings. While we attend some family functions and gatherings with friends, there are times we just have to politely decline. It is never personal- ever. It comes from a place of love for our officer and desperately wanting time as a family.

We go to many events without our officer and some with him, as a family. But due to our schedules, we simply can not do it all. While you are spending holidays as a family, we are missing an important person from ours. While you are enjoying fireworks on Independence Day, our other half is protecting the country so you can have a good time.

Our officers are tired; physically and mentally. Our family is craving time together, that we just don’t ever seem to find. Therefore, we just have to say “no” on some occasions.

A Message to Our Family and Friends:

While you may still not understand our reason for saying “no”, I hope you can respect our decision. Please don’t make us feel bad. Please don’t judge our decision as a family. Please just know, we love our officer greatly and quality time is what we are seeking. Our decision to say “no” is never malice nor an excuse. Please just try to understand.

Fellow military families:

Please share this with your friends and family. While we love our friends and family and want to see them, we also desperately want them to understand the reason behind why we say “no”. Please use this post as an explanation on a situation that is very misunderstood.

Time is so important for a military family, so read about ways to make use of your time, as a military wife, when your officer is working.

The 10 Best Ways to Make Use of Your Time When Your Military Member is Working

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It is no secret that being a military wife can be a lonely “job”. I often go from a high of spending quality time with my officer and snuggles on his days off (whenever they may be) to a low of feeling lonely and missing my spouse like crazy. There doesn’t ever seem to be a happy medium. Our time apart seems insurmountably greater than the time we have together.

When my boyfriend started on the force, I was an aspiring agricultural journalist and we had no children. I worked many, many hours during the week getting as much done with my writing as I could. I dedicated most of my free time (when my officer was working) to my writing and college studies. Then summers rolled around….

I stayed so busy during the school year, but when summer arrived I felt lost. I needed ways to fill my time and not worry about my boyfriend’s job, because that is exactly what I did. I spent so much of my free time wanting to call him, text him, check-in on him, and thinking about his safety. It was overwhelming and not helpful. My poor boyfriend, would gently explain that he could not keep checking-in with me all the time. I finally took the hint and backed off a little, but I was left bored and still filled with worry. I needed to find ways to preoccupy my worry and time.

At first, I would shop or go out to keep my mind of things. However, shopping constantly or being away from home gets expensive. So I tried to find ways to occupy my very-busy mind that I could mostly do at home and didn’t cost money. I always felt this need to be close to my phone in case of an emergency. Realistically, is isn’t always going to happen, especially now that we have children, but I tried.

Here are my favorite ways to make use of your time when your officer is working. I have tried all of these, but was better at some than others, especially #8. 😉

1. Spend time with family & friends. If you have family close by then a great time to see them is when your officer is working. You have to remember, you must go on with your life. It took me a while to understand this, but staying in contact with friends (who understand this life) and family really helped me.
2. Re-organize. It may just be my Type-A personality, but I love a good purge and re-organization project. These can take a while and I never wanted to use up my time with my officer to do this sort of thing. So I always completed these types of projects while he was working. It helps pass the time if you have killer music on in the background.
3. Get crafty. This is another one I didn’t like to do when my officer was home. I usually did crafts on the weekends he would work, because I felt I was “crafty” enough in my classroom, during the week. You could create small crafts for your home, a gift for your officer, play around on a Cricut making fun designs, or maybe scrapbook.
4. Read a good book. When your house is nice and quiet, there is no better time to curl up with some coffee and a good book.
5. Exercise. A great way to actively burn off some stress is to exercise. Whether you join a local gym, run in your neighborhood (in daylight please and never alone), or watch work out videos from home, it all helps to keep your body and mind healthy.
6. Journal Writing. Journaling (or a diary) is another wonderful way to let go of some of your stress and angst. It forces you to think about your thoughts as your put them down on paper and is a healthy release.
7. Volunteer. Check out any options in and around your community. Volunteering your time is a positive that will keep you busy while giving back. It is a win-win. Places like churches, nursing homes, and community centers are always looking for help. This is a great option if you don’t have children of your own yet.
8. Garden. Do you have a green thumb? I don’t, but maybe you do. I pull weeds, that is about it. But, if this is your thing, then I am sure your husband would love to come home to a beautiful yard filled with flowers and a fresh vegetable garden.
9. Cook. I actually love to cook and entertain, finding the time with little ones is hard. You can use this time to make foods your husband would love to come home to or being surprised with on his shift. Or make things you husband does not enjoy and eat them all for yourself. 😉
10. Get a pet. While I realize this costs money, having a companion, like a dog or cat, may be just what you need. We got our dog back when we had no children and I wanted to feel protected. She is the first to let us know if someone is on our property.

College keep me pretty busy and I don’t have a lot of downtime. If I do have downtime, then I spend it writing and emailing with my loyal subscribers. 🙂 I have also gotten more used to his duties as an officer, so the worry has decreased, but it never goes away. I hope you begin to look past the worry and loneliness and find something for YOURSELF. It is important; you have to continue to live your life, even during the long shifts.

BLOGMAS 2019 | DAY 4 | MY CHRISTMAS DECOR

BLOGMAS 2019 | DAY 3 | WINTER BUCKET LIST

There are so many fun activities to do during this season, which means it’s time for every couple to create the ultimate winter bucket list!

With winter comes holiday scents, beautiful decorations and Christmas cheer for many of us. It’s important to enjoy this time with family, especially your spouse or significant other by completing some exciting activities on this winter bucket list.

Here are some great winter bucket list ideas for every couple:

Drive Around to See Lights

It’s not winter unless there are lights. Drive through town or visit a light event during the season.

Christmas Breakfast

Make a fun Christmas breakfast like cinnamon rolls or reindoor pancakes.

Snowball Fight

Sure, you may be in the south where you get no snow, but if you do have snow, get out and have some fun with it! For the rest of us, well, we just have to settle for fake snowballs.

Hot Cocoa Bar

Nothing says winter like hot cocoa. Dress it up really nice with marshmallows, cream, or peppermints. Substitute with Apple cider if cocoa isn’t your thing.

Wear an Ugly Christmas Sweater

These days you can buy ugly Christmas sweaters (which most of the time are actually pretty cute), but I always think it’s lots of fun to make your own.

BLOGMAS 2O19 | DAY 2 | HOW TO HAVE A STRESS FREE CHRISTMAS

Sure, you love the holiday season--but just not so much of it! This year, you're hoping to cut the crazy out of Christmas: to trim the celebration back to one that is sustainable and calm.

Question is, just how do you do less--and enjoy it more--during the Christmas holiday season?

If you're aiming to simplify Christmas, take time to ponder ways to cut stress, save money and tame over-the-top traditions. Setting simplicity strategies in place early will keep you from being swept up in holiday madness.

Get armed! Try these ten simple strategies to calm holiday chaos and rein in the seasonal overkill this year.

10 Simplicity Strategies

Prune the to-do list. Ask, “If I don’t do this, what will happen?” Aim to knock down the list of chores to the rock-bottom necessity.

Cut the gift list. Rein in gift exchanges that have been outgrown or lost their meaning. Limit gifts to children only, draw names, or organize a gift exchange.

Wrap as you go. Who needs to spend Christmas Eve catching up on wrapping chores? Sticky notes will help you keep track of gift contents.

Buy, don’t bake. Turn your back on the oven this year. Supermarkets, bakeries and the freezer department of the discount warehouse are a great source for delicious, pre-baked holiday treats.

Call, don’t send cards. Reach out and touch someone … the easy way. Online greeting cards are easy, inexpensive and fun to send. No more lines at the post office!

Scale back décor. Substitute a simple door wreath for outdoor lighting, a tabletop tree for the over-the-top tannenbaum. Focusing holiday decor on the Big Three--front door, tree and focal point--can bring a festive feel to the house without day-long decorating sessions.

Cancel the clean-a-thon. Focus cleaning attention on kitchen and public rooms; private areas can slide til season’s end. Better to schedule deep-cleaning chores like carpet cleaning until after the wear-and-tear of the holiday season.

Downsize dishwashing. Hand-washing fine china is nobody’s idea of a good time, so move to everyday stoneware. Simpler still: paper plates!

Finger food, not feast. A smorgasboard of tasty tidbits is easier on the cook and kinder to the waistline than a sit-down dinner. Share the work by hosting pot-luck events.

Stay home! Cuddling down close to the hearth beats holiday travel any day. A holiday "stay-cation" allows for evening drives to see the lights, family camp-outs in front of the Christmas tree, and evenings spent with carols and popcorn. Fun!